Cup Game: Alexandra Park CC v Wembley CC
After a tough defeat to Osterley, the boys had to regroup for the first cup game of the season against Alexandra Park. Despite our slow start to the season, we headed into the game as strong favourites as they were also struggling in the league below ours.

It was Sunday cricket at its finest as barely anyone made the 11:30am meet time, with new recruit Sacha extending his late streak to 3/3…now we’re starting to understand why Moggy recruited him. He strolled in 15 mins before the start of the match with his stupid aviators on and a massive grin on his face, clearly pretty happy with himself after his 33* the previous day.

Although the sun was out, the pitch looked like it could collapse at any given moment, so it was a tough decision at the toss. Our skipper however, has seemed to have made up his mind for the rest of the season as he stated in a rousing pre-match pep talk that “we’re shit at setting totals, so we can only win if we chase”.

Actually Blaino, I think you’ll find that we’re shit at both.

Anyway, we lost the toss and to the delight of our skipper, we were politely asked to bowl first by the home team, who were looking to take advantage of the batting conditions early on.

Junayd was still feeling the effects of his intense 6 over spell the day before and tried to waffle his way out of opening the bowling. Blaino quickly shut him down, so after a dose of his revered herbal pain killers, he was ready to get us started.

Charlie Meyers would’ve been proud of the flight Junz got on his first delivery which eventually managed to reach the batsman, who looked confused as to why Blainy was standing back to an offie. A couple balls later he got done by the straight half volley and was sent packing.

It was a great start for the Lions, but little did we know that the oppo had somehow managed to convince an International player to play for them. Thankfully, the nation he represents is Portugal and not a country that actually plays cricket, so after a couple of hacks to the leg side, Ayaz got one to grip and he spooned one up to the smug cunt Sacha at short mid wicket.

Wickets started to tumble and we had the game firmly in control. Surely even we couldn’t fuck it up from here. Scarred from our abysmal collapse against Osterley, Blainy wasn’t prepared to take any chances. He decided that it wasn’t necessary to give our favourite Aussie cripple some much needed rest as he brought him on to clean up the tail.

After tweaking his ankle, calf and hamstring coming off his long run in the first week, Nick had shortened his run up since then to prevent any further damage. Unfortunately, even 3 steps was a step too far as he managed to fuck up his ankle again and had to limp off to get it iced for the remainder of the match. Surprisingly, that wasn’t the most hurtful thing to happen to Nick during his spell as Junayd also called him the “ugliest cricketer in the world”. Coming from a man in such peak physical condition, it’s hard to argue, right? I’m not sure what this kinky love-hate relationship these angry cunts have going on, but I’m confident that it will never get out of hand…like blowing up in a group chat over something minor…

Back to the game - their skipper put up a good fight with a decent knock of 42, but it wasn’t enough to get them to 100 as we bowled them out for 82. With all honesty, it was more due to them being shit than us being good, but the game’s the game. Shout outs to Kiaan and Mudassir for a couple of great run outs, Vinay for a very casual catch to get their skipper, and Ayaz for a great spell and run out.

Whilst the standard of cricket was definitely a step down, the tea spread was a lot better than some of the shit we get served in our league, so we made the most of it.

Moggy and Sash then walked out with the intention of finishing the game quickly so we could all get our Sunday evenings back. After a couple of wild swings, Moggy decided to rein it in and bat properly. And by bat properly, I mean leave one on off stump. So much for being a 30 merchant you dick. Atharva was given out caught behind soon after. It was clearly out, so thankfully he didn’t throw a strop and walked off the field respectfully. Kiaan then walked in and got cleaned up pretty quickly, but at least he attempted to play a shot unlike Moggy. Chiggy got to spend some much needed time in the middle before giving it away with 8 needed to win. It was a step in the right direction though, as he managed to reach double figures!!

In strolled the skipper at no.6 who looked to replicate the previous day’s heroics of Osterley’s skipper, Amrindar Butters, by coming in just to hit the winnings runs. Despite Blaino’s best efforts to sabotage it, Sacha got to his maiden half century for the club as he hit the winning runs with his signature shot, giving his ego a boost it certainly did not need.

Not convincing, but W secured and onto the next where Devon Smith and his minions await us.

Man of the match: Sacha Abbasi (53* and 2 catches)
Worst dismissal: Amogh Hoskote (left one on off stump)
Dick of the day: Amogh Hoskote (a collection of shit chat throughout the day)

Wembley Cricket Club

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